Wishful Thinking

beeple:

BLOOD MOON

oneweekoneband:

aseaofsongs:

I am 18, and I am walking along a sidewalk to the house of a boy I have a giant, messy, uncontrollable crush on. 

My iPod is playing Tegan and Sara’s “Back in Your Head” on repeat, as it has for the two solid months since that album came out. The propulsive energy of the song and the slightly staccato delivery of the lines (built—a wall—of books—between us in our bed) plays out in my pounding heart, sweaty armpits, the imperfectly applied eyeliner I fussed over.

Over a decade later, I can see that I didn’t really like the boy, at least not in the sense that I desired that I as a separate being wanted to be near him. I wanted to be the boy, I wanted to inhabit, not make out. I thought he was cute, sure, but more importantly for me, then, I wanted to move easily through the world like he did, to talk confidently about my passions like him, to lean casually against walls and counters at parties like him. 

I was drawn over and over to men who seemed to be confident in the way I wanted to be, as though through proximity I could absorb their way of being in the world. Instead, I was always (am still) someone who “built a wall of books” in her bed, who “jerk[ed] away from holding hands with you,” who stood very straight clutching a bottle of beer at the party until it nearly sliped from my sweaty teenage (adult) hand.

I still want, as in the song, to be “back in your head,” but not at all like the song claims. I didn’t (don’t) want it because I want him (you) to think of me. I want to be in the head, for someone to finally teach me to move slowly and easily and confidently through the air. I want to not be walking too quickly along a sidewalk while Tegan and Sara sing that they will “run run run,” to want less but I still don’t. I still move too sharply. And I still love this song for making that part of myself more visible.

– @kashampersand

Signs of life on our sister site @aseaofsongs! Check out this new essay on Tegan & Sara and share the music that’s moving you right now, if you like.

mienar:

summer’s here